"Listening to my [9-year-old] talk is exactly like watching an episode of drunk history."
"Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor."
"Flex on your toddler by saying they are three years old instead of three and a half."
"Have kids so that you can see your dogs running around your house wearing your only clean bras."
"I said Alexa three times and she didn’t respond so she’s family now."
"Nobody cares more about proper hydration than a kid who’s just been kissed goodnight."
"What am I binge watching? A f**king toddler. You?"
"Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences."
"Kids shouldn’t be allowed to lose teeth during quarantine."
"It’s all fun and games creating children who act just like you until you’re isolated in a house with them 24/7."